Friends and Acquaintances

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 30, 2009

Friends and Acquaintances

It's interesting how old friends feel so comfortable being together, like a pair of well-loved shoes. You slip them on and go, ahhhh.

My friend, Barb Madrigrano, from Kenosha, WI, was out for my all-breed kennel club shows recently. I enlisted her help (OK, I begged) with Judge's Hospitality for Sir Francis Drake Kennel Club for the two days of shows. Barb also lent a hand on Friday night stewarding at our all-breed match. We probably haven't been together since the St. Louis Specialties in '08. We talk on the phone frequently and e-mail once in a while, but nothing beats face-to-face hanging out. Barb runs hospitality for the big Waukesha weekend in July and they have 40 or so judges who she keeps very happy. I was grateful to have her here for the expertise, ideas and company. Thursday night was spent putting judge's bags together with all kinds of goodies. We must have made 100 golf cart runs from the rings in the building to the outside rings, bumping along laughing and just happy to be together. I think the judges thought we were having way too much fun!

One thing I’ve learned over 40 years from my journey in dogs – and sometimes it has been a bitter lesson: no dog, no litter, no co-ownership, no stud service, no club and certainly no win is worth destroying a friendship. If that happens, I feel the friendship wasn’t based on core values, only the perception of what one person could do for the other. I value my friends. I pick them carefully and feel they have done the same with me. I treasure their friendships and deeply respect their opinions – even when we disagree. I would share just about any of my worldly possessions with them with no expectation of receiving anything in return. Some friends I’ve had for almost all the years I’ve been in dogs. I consider them family "once removed." I also enjoy warm and fuzzy relationships with many acquaintances in dogs, but they are not the same as my core group of friends.

Many of the problems between dog fanciers begin when one party is too trusting and too quick to accept someone into their inner circle of friends whom they actually know very little about. It’s a recipe for disaster. They share confidences, loan money, swap equipment, co-own dogs, co-breed litters and then something small happens and the house of cards comes tumbling down. They quickly realize they really had nothing in common except this dog(s) they are now fighting over. The petty bickering continues throughout the life of the dog; breeder's names are left off of advertising, co-owner's names are omitted from entries and the list of hurt goes on. Or maybe the altercation is over something big, something life altering and one party can’t imagine the other not viewing it exactly the same way they do and the fight is on. Lawyers are hired, precious dogs are involved in custody battles that rage on for years and people spend thousands of dollars exacting revenge. What an unproductive way to spend your time and resources.

Co-ownerships are rewarding endeavors when they work, but how many times have you heard about them ending on a sour note? And what's at the root for most co-owner breakups? Usually money, jealousy or egos, or some combination of the three.

I’ve seen people who I thought had the potential to become dedicated Golden fanciers, walk away forever after being duped by unscrupulous breeders, outrageous co-owner demands, unethical handlers or club members with an agenda. What a sad loss to the fancy; we need these people!

I suppose this happens within any group where people of divergent backgrounds (whether it’s two or 20) are brought together by a common interest. I hear horse people, cat people and even 4H members complain bitterly about each other – and let’s not even go there about Little League parents. Regardless, our time on this earth is relatively short and our dog’s lives even less so. It seems so pointless to spend that time in acrimonious disputes.

One piece of advice I offer freely to anyone contemplating entering into a co-ownership is this: if you aren’t prepared to give up the dog and walk away should something go wrong with the agreement, then don’t co-own. Pass on the dog or pay more money to own it outright. I don’t care how well crafted a legal agreement is, the simple fact is that anyone can sue someone else and tie up their life, their assets and their dogs for years. Long past when it ceases to be fun or rewarding.